"There's actually no point in saying so much, or attempting to assemble the jigsaw pieces isn't it?"

"I guess you are right. But only half right."

"How do you say so?"

"The picture is already lost; there's certainly no reason for you to continue searching for answers. They will never come. On the other hand, there's this portion on re-grouping your feelings. And before you can do that, you need a picture for yourself. It doesn't have to be clear, it has just got to be convincing. In fact, I am sure you know what picture I am referring to."

"Uh?"

"My friend, there's only one direction for you."

~*~

Appetite hasnt been good lately.

You know sometimes when you eat halfway and your heart cringes, you can't eat anymore. It's like crumbling a plastic bag after use. It seems like you're entangled in a mesh, somewhat strangled and caught out of breath. You only want to breathe normally again. Your mind wanders off, you lose your appetite, and you excuse yourself from the dining table.

This feeling sucks.Really sucks. Apart from the horrible feeling, such gestures are unmannered you will feel rueful for being just that.

Stop it please. Go away.

I try so hard to breathe

i've always enjoyed chu er.this year is much the same,if not better.
the congregation of everyone, the extension of families, the get-together and interact sessions...they are all very, fufilling. =]

Every year, i will get to see different things, many movements, significant changes. I think a new-born baby really breathes life into a family.haha. this year, i have a 7-month old cutie nephew.my cousin's son.Woo. I'm officially an UNCLE. woots. When u are a baby, you are the center of attraction. Every single person is able to draw joy from u; u seem to have the invisible strength to make people happy. Laughters never stop coming. perhaps it's the innocence we are witnessing, and perhaps it's the way a baby stoopid-ishly behaves, which we deem it as funny. or perhaps thats the ideal environment we have all yearned to be in (but we can never turn back), and we are smiling becos the baby will not be facing harsh reality so soon. it's really heart-warming to see a baby crawling on the floor/shrieking whenever he likes it/crying when he feels like. For once, u are so protected. so loved. so appreciated. Isnt that what all of us require? Love, care, guidance. I always believe that everyone is tender inside, no matter how toughened or strong one externally portrays. Those are human needs, our basic needs. I dont believe anyone can fend well without any of these. Emotional concern, tender loving care. Nobody is strong in this world.

Taking a step back, this cny break has been much fruitful in terms of what i call the 'big-picture' knowledge. i've finally begin to understand the meaning of life. Okay, thats too blunt a way to put it, but really, i see the purpose of each and everyone of us here. We are here for a cause. and thats none other than transfering and sharing. passing the baton. generation after generation. I m sure all of us want the younger ones to lead better lives than us.every parent would agree with that.We would love to see improvements.improvements to areas where we lack and overlook.improvements in areas where we hope they can deliver. Raising a child isnt easy.it really isnt.any of the following is sure to turn anyone off : changing diapers, baby bathing, baby constant look-out, baby feeding, sleepless interrupted nights(not for months, but years), and many more. Given the above, who in the right mind would want to take up all these? Yet many do. They are willing to sacrifice. They know the meaning of love. Imagine now,we are already 20. Our parents really deserve the credit.for being so noble, for being themselves, for being understood the purpose of life. RESPECT.

Let me just ask you a question. What do you want to feel just before you step into the coffin?
Still thinking about money? A sense of achievement? A feeling of contentment? You judge yourself.

What legacy would you want to leave behind?

And I imagine myself 10 years down the road. My uncles and aunts will be old. Really old. And the same goes for my parents. I will be 30.
What will i be telling my nephews,nieces then?

~*~

Renewal of life is the big picture. And i think i like being with my relatives, after all.

drinking recently. consistently,consecutively. perpetually.

i always feel tired after drinking.definitely not the tiredness i like.

mayb this time, i just want to feel lethargic..feel restless..feel at peace.to stop myself from thinking.

drink drink drink.kill your sorrows.

酒的好喝在于它难喝

cold

只剩下鋼琴陪我談了一天
睡著的大提琴
安靜的舊舊的
我想你已表現的非常明白
我懂我也知道
你沒有捨不得
你說你也會難過我不相信
牽著你陪著 我也只是曾經
希望他是真的比我還要愛你
我才會逼自己離開
你要我說多難堪
我根本不想分開
為什麼還要我用微笑來帶過
我沒有這種天份
包容你也接受他
不用擔心的太多
我會一直好好過
你已經遠遠離開
我也會慢慢走開
為什麼我連分開都遷就著你
我真的沒有天份
安靜的沒這麼快
我會學著放棄你
是因為我太愛你

Silence. silence and cold always seem to come together.

When you are alone, you feel the cold more easily. But then again, sometimes, you want to be alone. Let the chill numb you.

I feel like sprinting...till my back breaks.till i collapse.


I used to believe every word you said. Not anymore.

friday night.

and so we sat by the river, questions..opinions..questions..opinions..
just like how rhythmic the waves are
amidst the happenings of meat and wine
we found some peace and tranquil


i've got peace by the river
i've got joy overflowing
i've got love everlasting
in my soul
in my soul

this song's quite nice.

lin yu zhong - kao an
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGypYfpeLK8

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9 sorrow of losing, joy of having known :]

experienced something gross today.
ordered prawn mee for dinner and! i saw a xiAo qiAng inside!$^@@!#!
kai wan xiao.
xiao qiang is xiao qiang. yet another thing took me for a greater surprise.
i didnt know why i didnt flare up and kaobei the auntie.
i merely grumbled a little, asked for a refund, and even suggested on ways to improve hygiene.
i guess on normal occassions, i wldnt have spared anyone off.
but today, i reacted differently.i wldnt even say reacted.responded is more like it. maybe these days i've realised that the way one responds is critical.?.or maybe im beginning to learn.?.or maybe i just wasnt in the mood to scold.?. At a point when u can't better a situation, dont worsen it. so what if i blasted at the stall. would it have made the situation better?
Im glad at that point of time i was mulling over these thoughts.it certainly means a little, if not more.

~*~

and i think recently there's some problem with a vein running down my neck to the upper back.qt painful.seems like the vein is being compelled into some wrong position.mayb i shd consult a physician soon.
and my wisdom tooth seems to be coming out. kai wan xiao. chinese new year is just in 2 weeks time.
wrong timing again.haiz.

SILENCE THE CROWD

and so singapore clinched the asean football championship title.
when i witnessed khairul amri smashed the ball into the net, i couldnt help but applaud his effort, albeit slack defending from the thais.for the instant, i felt exhilarated.exhilarated for the players, nostalgic for myself.it was like a video replaying again.with almost similar emotions.that adrenaline surged within me once again.when i silenced the crowd.i guess that match against sa will never leave me ever.

i miss those competitive days.so focused.so strong.

~*~

She's my charm

the past week has been some sort of a turmoil, a little unnerving, tiring, just going through motion.life has been so routinal, with negligible perks, but numerous slides.if i can even consider that life.i feel so alone sometimes, doing everything myself, no one appropriate to talk to.okay.got to face it.I am alone. I've been trying very hard to pick up little positive things, as any logical person will tell the depressed to do.trying to engage in activities, to pre-occupy myself, to do anything that might help. sometimes i dont even know if typing here helps.the computer doesnt have any feelings.isnt that akin to talking to a block of wood. yet if i bottle these things up, it is difficult to breathe.type or don't type.both ways also lose. even right now, it just shows why i am here on a friday night.no activities, no mood. no nothing.i will just keep on rambling till i am tired. sometimes i have so much to say to her, so much to feel, but SO WHAT.say also pointless. At a point when you can't better a situation, don't worsen it.

besides that, im in a political climate now.heavily charged.massive polarity reactions.my movement has stirred up political ideas and according to him, the damage has been done. meaning i've caused damage. Getting complicated. Well, maybe some things are best to leave in grey.

In short, for every feeling im having now, there's nothing I can do. And that's the saddest.

这条路好艰苦